Day 40 with a Shaman

In a journey to the upper world, I asked for an ally or gift. The ace of spades came back to me. My Shaman Teacher led the journey, while I just traveled. When she told me about the ace, I understood right away.

When I was younger, my family would camp out on the lake every summer.  We would gather around the card table at night and play games. My favorite game was spades. We would play partners and I loved using different strategies to win. No matter what strategy I used, if I had the ace of spades, I knew I would win.  It was the highest card in the game but that didn’t always guarantee a win. However, in my mind it did and it worked.  I would win every time.

The ace of spades was my ally now, which meant no matter what, I would win. It meant that even if the dark side got a few points, I couldn’t lose. It was exactly what I needed to know, on the deepest level, that doubt has no power anymore. It was also a great reminder to not take myself so seriously. I was given the message to follow the signs and this is a big one! As my friend would say, “this is a wink from God.”

Saying Yes

Then, there was another opportunity to follow signs. I was asked to do readings for other people. I have resisted because I am studying with a Shaman and felt like it would be a distraction. I’d stopped actively reading to just focus on Shaman practices. Then, I got the message that there was no distinction, if the intention was to serve and get out of the way. There was also a small part that believed I wasn’t ready. Although I wanted to decline, I was being nudged by spirit.  Since doubt has no power, I decided it was time for a different answer.  After a bit of resistance, I chose to do them. It would be a chance to invite spirit in a different way. Sacred space allowed for clearing and protection, it would just be cards instead of leaves.

I have been pleased with the readings and I’ve gotten surprising feedback. The best part is that I don’t feel like I am doing anything. It is effortless and flows through. It allows a greater sense of trust, which is perfectly timed. Letting go takes many forms but this week it looks like saying yes to serving others.  I’ve also realized that the Shaman practices have resulted in more grounding, which makes for better readings. Thank you to the spirit allies!

Day 37 with a Shaman

Photo by: Marcela Bolivar

What’s wrong with me? This is the question I’ve asked myself the most this past week. It seems I have ideals of how everything should go. It’s no surprise, I am surrounded with people that like to be in control, pushing my buttons constantly. In the session with my Shaman Teacher, I become aware of deep seated shame. Then, I realize it is the Anniversary of my grandfather’s death and while I remember, she hones in on the guilt. Admittedly, I tell her I still feel guilty of not being there months before he died.

He was like a father to me, when my dad would disappear or forget me at school again. He taught me how to ride a bike, waterski, shoot a 22, float on my back in the pool, and many other useful things. He would drive me two hours to gymnastics, providing delicious snacks and wait patiently for me to finish. He was kind and thoughtful but always forthcoming in his wisdom.

As my teacher asks me to track the guilt, I can see that even in my grief, I feel unworthy. I feel like I don’t have a right to feel sad because I wasn’t there for him for months when he needed me.  Then I realize that I feel unworthy of calling on God/Creator and spirits. I haven’t been perfect.

Do I actually believe this? My teacher assures me that this is a very core belief and that while a big part of me doesn’t buy it, it is still limiting me. It has been passed down from Ancestors and has been held in place for a long time.

It is time to put it in my Sand Painting, to release all the ways guilt has kept me cycling in doubt. I ask the guides for help.  She also told me to write down all the beliefs I have about God/Creator, Guilt, and Love etc. then write yes or no next to each, indicating if I believe this. God is Love, Love is Kind, God will take care of it, I am worthy of God’s love, I am worthy of good, I am enough.  Yeah right. Is that why when I took vows to God, I lost everything? That is a whole other story…

I am surprised to find this lack of trust for the Divine, especially when I have been seeking union with Creator the majority of my life.

Day 34 with a Shaman

I have been working on a sand painting for the last three weeks and keep adding objects of intention. I visit it every few days or when I have energy to blow in, but it has become so full of stones and shells! While talking with my Teacher, which happens to be miles away at the moment, she made a comment about how busy my painting was! It was both humorous and awe inspiring.

She is always positive with a delicious flavor of comic relief. This was no exception. I am inspired by the fact that she is able to see my painting from so far away. It is so exciting to have such an example of someone I’d like to emulate, especially when it is my Mentor.

There has been such an internal shift this week and I feel that is definitely time to close this sand painting and open a new one. There is a solidarity deep inside that I have been asking for. I will open a new painting with the intention of diving even deeper and anchoring awareness to walk between the worlds.

I realize that life will throw curve balls but my inner experience can be rock solid. It has been difficult to sustain this with so much stagnant emotional energy in my body. The more it releases, the more opportunity there is for connection with Spirit/Source/One.

 

The Divine is present in everyone, in all beings, in everything.

Like space it is everywhere, all pervading, all powerful, all knowing.

The Divine is the principle of Life, the inner light of consciousness, and

pure bliss. It is our very own Self.

— Amma ♥

Day 33 with a Shaman

In my session today, we tracked the anxiety and worked on a core childhood trauma. The message it had for me was that I needed to break free or I would die. It showed me that the old ways no longer work, i.e. people pleasing and focusing on money. If I continue to make these my priorities, my soul will die. It is dying. The old must be released completely so the new can enter.

My childhood trauma has supported an idea that if I move into the unknown, I will not be supported and even hurt. It has shown me that this world is not safe and that trusting can leave me without a safety net. Therefore, I’ve been holding on to this memory to protect me from the unknown and anxiety has been my security guard.

Each time an opportunity of the unknown presented itself in my life, anxiety would take over. It would cause great suffering and even sabotage. As a loyal security guard, it was merely doing its job. It wasn’t concerned with how much my life was crumbling, as long as it kept me tucked in or stuck in the known. Unfortunately, this included depression, chaos, and pain. These were registered as familiar to the security guard.

As we tracked the anxiety around the heart and allowed it to shift, it turned from a solid to a gas and rose up to the sky. We asked it if it had a message for me. It did. It was that it connected me to Higher Knowledge and all beings. I let that sink in. What I was left with was a feeling of safety, support, invincibility, union, and relief. If I am connected to all beings, including higher beings and knowledge, then I am perpetually safe.

There can be no wrong turns or ultimately unsafe choices. As the gas continued to rise into the heavens, I could feel the presence of the whales. Their wisdom permeated my cells and I felt like I was being enveloped in the womb of creation. I could hear their heart song reverberating in the depths of my soul. I was returning home.

My Teacher told me about her trip up to a Peruvian mountain. She described the angels and light beings that joined her. She said they were reaching out to her from the sky, lending their guidance. She talked about all the support that is surrounding us right now. I got on a very real level that we are so loved. There is an abundance of light waiting to pour in…to show us our way. We are never abandoned or expected to do this on our own.

Day 31 with a Shaman

Photo from: Rolf Hicker Photagraphy

Last night, I dreamed about Orcas Whales. There were about fifty of them swimming past. I was standing on a deck, watching them, as one came right over to the edge. It was a female and she was trying to come closer to me. At first I thought she was a danger but I could sense her loving disposition. As she was slowly opening her mouth and pushing her body onto the deck, she was looking right into my eyes. Her eyes held wisdom and ancient stories I could only grasp at a very deep level.

Eventually she was able to get her fully body out of the water and as her back end reached the dry surface, she changed into a wolf. She came toward me but I became frightened. I asked her to back up and she did. We had a moment of eye contact, as she conveyed her deep respect. Then, she ran past me into a dark alley. I was intending to follow her but was awakened by a car outside my window, which was disappointing. I hope to meet her again…perhaps tonight. I am open to any teaching/healing that the whale and wolf have for me at this time.

My intention is to enter a lucid dreaming state, as I drift into sleep. I will keep you posted!

I welcome any comments about your interpretation of this dream. It is so exciting to hear wisdom from others, throughout this amazing  journey.

Day 30 with a Shaman

Photo from: MauraBertotti@facebook.com

This week was tumultuous to put it mildly. My Shaman Teacher asked me last week how my relationship was. Then, she went on to explain that the astrological influences of Mercury could cause upheaval in relationships. In addition, I was doing a cleansing fire ceremony with the intent to purify any relationships that needed mending or forgiveness. At that time, everything was just lovely between my partner and me. I had no idea of the events that were to come.

It started Wednesday with several frustrating conversations leading to bickering. It seemed like we were speaking foreign languages and couldn’t translate a word. We were able to coexist peacefully in silence and I welcomed the reprieve.  Then, Thursday, it happened again. We made amends and laughed a lot before I headed off to work a late night at the Jazz club.

When I got home, I found my sober partner passed out in the bed. I could smell the alcohol and cigarettes. I immediately got angry. We had talked about this many times and he said he would tell me before relapsing. I tried to wake him and quickly realized I didn’t know this person in my bed. I took off for a hotel, feeling lost, betrayed and confused. How could I ever trust again?

When I came back the next day, it was the same stranger; cold, jaded, and heartless. I became so full of rage and reminded myself of my mother. In a flash I was back to my life as a ten year old, watching my mom rage about my dad. At that time, I just thought he needed a lot of sleep and didn’t understand why she was so angry with him.

He would stay in bed all day and she hated him. I now understood…he was hung over from the night before. I recalled waiting for him to return, crying at the window at 4am. I didn’t understand what could possibly make him so late. He forgot me at school regularly but my mom hid the fact that he was an alcoholic. Today, I could see it so clearly.

I was raging as the ten year old, my mother, and the thirty eight year old I am today. It was messy and I wanted to run. My world was unraveling. Then, it hit me. I had been given tools to work with situations exactly like this. I breathed deeply and allowed my awareness to move into the Eagle.

I drove to the beach, while breathing into the hurt. As I was walking out to the sand, I saw a couple walking on the trail. I did not have any plan to talk with them, as the lady yelled over to me, “Good Morning!” I barely inaudibly mumbled, “Yeah”. Then she responded, “It is a good morning!”

Isn’t it funny how the Universe gets through to you in completely random and unexpected moments? I laughed at myself and made a choice.

I chose to stop and embrace all of it. Therefore, I gave the energy to the Earth and water elements.  I took a lot of showers and several walks on the beach with the intent to cleanse all of it. I softened in conversation, when I would rather have caused bodily pain. I got the message to forgive…mainly myself.  Once again, I was asking myself if I could do this. I knew that I could keep choosing to let go. I trusted that forgiveness would come. I trusted joy would come.

When I let go of  my emotions and was able to meet my partner from a place of acceptance, it provided an opening. He was able to cry and express his emotions. Forgiveness came naturally for both of us.

What does this have to do with Shamanism?  My answer is: Everything.

In my session with my Shaman Teacher, we released the trauma around my dad. We did a journey to the Upper and Underworlds. When she worked on the trauma I could feel a tightness and sharp pain in my chest. It felt like a knife had been removed. Then, there was just an open wound.

During the Upper world journey, I was given a bag with a wand of strength in it and wings for my heart. They were given to me by the Divine Father, which was incredibly fulfilling. The light of the Divine was filling my heart and I felt joy again.

There was also a feeling of self-reliance.  It was much different than the stubborn girl inside, refusing help at all costs. This was whole. All of my focus no longer needed to be on potential loss or abandonment of masculine love. It was already fulfilled inside my own heart. I now have the strength and the wings to fly.

It reminds me of a lovely quote I will never forget.

In many shamanic societies, if you came to a shaman or medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask one of four questions… When did you stop dancing? When did you stop singing? When did you stop being enchanted by stories? When did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of silence?

Day 28 with a Shaman

Picture from CrazyFrakenstein.com

Today I did a Shamanic Despatcho to the Olympic Mountains with the intention of harmony. Despacho is the Quechua word for offering. It describes the Andean practice of making offerings to the mountains (apus), Mother Earth (Pachamama), and other spirits in reciprocity, reverence, and thanksgiving. A despacho is an act of love and a reminder of the connections we share with all beings, elements, spirits, and sacred places. At the deepest level, it is an opportunity to enter into the essential unity of all things.

I have gathered sacred objects for a week; to represent Mother Earth, the four directions, animal spirits, stone spirits, and the levels of reality.  I offered rose petals, sugar, glitter, cotton, a shell, and stones. During the ceremony, I asked Angels and guides to help me bring prayers to the ceremony. The moment I was asking for their guidance, a sweet, soft wind gently blew across my face. It was warm and nurturing. I heard and felt the ancient ones surrounding me. As if condoning the celebration, they sent the message on the wind.  I instantly felt the profound relationship with the Olympic Mountains and was humbled in their powerful presence.

There was a silent prayer and intent with each offering and the silence held the gift of the Divine.  When it was time, I gently wrapped the offerings in cloth and tied them together. I was instructed to bury them in the Earth so the prayers could be released over time.

As I hiked back down the trail, I was filled with a  tangible peace and union. Each bird was singing directly to my heart and my pulse was fueling the river. This is how we are meant to live, subtly aware and deeply connected.

I left with an intimate affinity with the Apus. They continue to course through my veins as essentially as Oxygen.

Day 27 with a Shaman

 

 

I went with a friend to the Dr. to check on his skin cancer lesions. They looked like harmless little dark moles, but when the nurse magnified them for photos they took on a completely different existence entirely. They became grotesque, rotting, oozing, and repulsive.  They became a threat to the life force inside my friend’s body. Suddenly there was an urgency to remove these tiny little spots. There was nothing harmless about these little spots. These were ruthless, burrowing killers!

As I stood in disbelief, I realized this is very similar to how my judgments have looked over the past weeks. They started as mere thoughts, randomly interrupting my pleasant encounters throughout the day. Then, like an incessant child they became louder and more obtrusive. I began magnifying them and dissecting them one by one. I felt broken, hopeless, dark and beyond a cure. I became identified with the cancer cell, hungry to consume every last healthy particle of Misha’s essence. I split myself apart, the dark vs. the light, the good vs. the bad, the appealing vs. the ugly. This has taken me deep into the rabbit hole of my psyche, ripping pieces of the whole, tearing innocence from hate, trying to hold onto any morsel of goodness. At the same time, being tantalized by the alluring wickedness of what was left.  Illusion became my Master until there was nothing left to identify with.

Day 26 with Shaman

 

I woke up feeling empty and depressed. I was craving something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.  I decided to do a Journey to the Under World. We went down and entered the Chambers with the Intent to bring back a gift. The gifts that presented themselves were the gift of Acceptance, a light, and a ring. I accepted with gratitude and returned, when the time felt right.

What does Acceptance look like? Is it saying “yes” to everything that comes your way? Is it choosing gratitude in every moment? Is it being okay with the emptiness as well as the excitement?

I notice when I go to work, I make that the exception. I walk around dissatisfied and feeling trapped. I could choose to make that just another moment to find magic, but I don’t. Instead, I watch the clock until I can be free. I don’t even have any pressing matters to attend to outside of work, I just want to leave. It has nothing to do with the job, just that I have to stay in one spot because someone else is telling me to. I could spend 12 hours in one spot doing nothing but the fact that I’m choosing it makes all the difference.

I realize my thoughts of limitation have created my life just the way it is, but still I pretend that the story of my life has been thrust on me in some cruel way. There was a time, I preferred my own company…simple and perfect. Now, I want to crawl out of my own skin.

Is it okay to feel empty and depressed? What about anxious? I feel on the verge of tears without a reason. The tears are just sitting like a pool of water, stagnant and full. Something in me thinks they should move and flow like a river. What is it that is not feeling complete right now? What exists under this pool of grief?

Day 25 with a Shaman

Photo from: wascienceteam.webs.com

 

It has been a few days since my last session, but everyday has been abundant with gifts. I am currently focused on releasing judgments. They are all coming to the forefront for review. It was been one test after another but the main message forgiveness.

The same message is coming to me from many different sources; tarot, astrology, strangers, friends, the news, books, movies etc… it is obvious.  It says to focus on compassion, forgiveness, and the love inside everyone. It is not so easy when my feelings are being hurt by others. My old pattern was to make them wrong and justify being right.

It comes down to making different choices in the midst of old scenarios.  It leaves me feeling raw and strong at once. When I open to this, there is a strength that is impenetrable. It exists as the foundation of all that is real. Yet, on the surface it appears weak. It goes against our societal programming.

While journeying to the Upper World today, I was guided to a chair. It was one of ten in a circle, a council of sorts. They were all gathered, waiting for me. I started receiving messages from them. They were saying to remember them as I walk the Earth, to remember my place, and my purpose of being. They stressed the importance of focusing on the likeness/Oneness in everyone. They stated that this was the key to my purpose right now. They said that when I focused on being different, I reminded others of suffering and there is no time for that.

Then, they passed a golden cord around, until everyone had a piece on their lap. Simultaneously, we raised the golden rope above our heads and it turned to liquid gold and formed a sphere around us. As it enclosed us, we shifted from ten bodies into one. I realized we were not the only ones in the sphere as it shrunk to the size of my hand. Next thing I know, they were handing me a box with the sphere inside, to bring back with me. It was part of me and an essential reminder. It would keep me from losing myself in the density.

I asked if I could go to the hall of records, and immediately stood at the entrance. I walked over to the book with my name on it. It opened to a page but I couldn’t read it. I put my right hand on one page and the words became a small flame. Opening the palms of both my hands, I watched the flames licking the air. They were extensions of my hands and my body was absorbing the knowledge they offered. They disappeared and I closed my hands.

Next, I asked if I could go to the book of all records. I was taken to it, but could not open it. I was told that I was not ready. I understood. As I returned from my journey, I realized there is nothing to do.