Day 40 with a Shaman

In a journey to the upper world, I asked for an ally or gift. The ace of spades came back to me. My Shaman Teacher led the journey, while I just traveled. When she told me about the ace, I understood right away.

When I was younger, my family would camp out on the lake every summer.  We would gather around the card table at night and play games. My favorite game was spades. We would play partners and I loved using different strategies to win. No matter what strategy I used, if I had the ace of spades, I knew I would win.  It was the highest card in the game but that didn’t always guarantee a win. However, in my mind it did and it worked.  I would win every time.

The ace of spades was my ally now, which meant no matter what, I would win. It meant that even if the dark side got a few points, I couldn’t lose. It was exactly what I needed to know, on the deepest level, that doubt has no power anymore. It was also a great reminder to not take myself so seriously. I was given the message to follow the signs and this is a big one! As my friend would say, “this is a wink from God.”

Saying Yes

Then, there was another opportunity to follow signs. I was asked to do readings for other people. I have resisted because I am studying with a Shaman and felt like it would be a distraction. I’d stopped actively reading to just focus on Shaman practices. Then, I got the message that there was no distinction, if the intention was to serve and get out of the way. There was also a small part that believed I wasn’t ready. Although I wanted to decline, I was being nudged by spirit.  Since doubt has no power, I decided it was time for a different answer.  After a bit of resistance, I chose to do them. It would be a chance to invite spirit in a different way. Sacred space allowed for clearing and protection, it would just be cards instead of leaves.

I have been pleased with the readings and I’ve gotten surprising feedback. The best part is that I don’t feel like I am doing anything. It is effortless and flows through. It allows a greater sense of trust, which is perfectly timed. Letting go takes many forms but this week it looks like saying yes to serving others.  I’ve also realized that the Shaman practices have resulted in more grounding, which makes for better readings. Thank you to the spirit allies!

Day 27 with a Shaman

 

 

I went with a friend to the Dr. to check on his skin cancer lesions. They looked like harmless little dark moles, but when the nurse magnified them for photos they took on a completely different existence entirely. They became grotesque, rotting, oozing, and repulsive.  They became a threat to the life force inside my friend’s body. Suddenly there was an urgency to remove these tiny little spots. There was nothing harmless about these little spots. These were ruthless, burrowing killers!

As I stood in disbelief, I realized this is very similar to how my judgments have looked over the past weeks. They started as mere thoughts, randomly interrupting my pleasant encounters throughout the day. Then, like an incessant child they became louder and more obtrusive. I began magnifying them and dissecting them one by one. I felt broken, hopeless, dark and beyond a cure. I became identified with the cancer cell, hungry to consume every last healthy particle of Misha’s essence. I split myself apart, the dark vs. the light, the good vs. the bad, the appealing vs. the ugly. This has taken me deep into the rabbit hole of my psyche, ripping pieces of the whole, tearing innocence from hate, trying to hold onto any morsel of goodness. At the same time, being tantalized by the alluring wickedness of what was left.  Illusion became my Master until there was nothing left to identify with.

Day 26 with Shaman

 

I woke up feeling empty and depressed. I was craving something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.  I decided to do a Journey to the Under World. We went down and entered the Chambers with the Intent to bring back a gift. The gifts that presented themselves were the gift of Acceptance, a light, and a ring. I accepted with gratitude and returned, when the time felt right.

What does Acceptance look like? Is it saying “yes” to everything that comes your way? Is it choosing gratitude in every moment? Is it being okay with the emptiness as well as the excitement?

I notice when I go to work, I make that the exception. I walk around dissatisfied and feeling trapped. I could choose to make that just another moment to find magic, but I don’t. Instead, I watch the clock until I can be free. I don’t even have any pressing matters to attend to outside of work, I just want to leave. It has nothing to do with the job, just that I have to stay in one spot because someone else is telling me to. I could spend 12 hours in one spot doing nothing but the fact that I’m choosing it makes all the difference.

I realize my thoughts of limitation have created my life just the way it is, but still I pretend that the story of my life has been thrust on me in some cruel way. There was a time, I preferred my own company…simple and perfect. Now, I want to crawl out of my own skin.

Is it okay to feel empty and depressed? What about anxious? I feel on the verge of tears without a reason. The tears are just sitting like a pool of water, stagnant and full. Something in me thinks they should move and flow like a river. What is it that is not feeling complete right now? What exists under this pool of grief?

Day 25 with a Shaman

Photo from: wascienceteam.webs.com

 

It has been a few days since my last session, but everyday has been abundant with gifts. I am currently focused on releasing judgments. They are all coming to the forefront for review. It was been one test after another but the main message forgiveness.

The same message is coming to me from many different sources; tarot, astrology, strangers, friends, the news, books, movies etc… it is obvious.  It says to focus on compassion, forgiveness, and the love inside everyone. It is not so easy when my feelings are being hurt by others. My old pattern was to make them wrong and justify being right.

It comes down to making different choices in the midst of old scenarios.  It leaves me feeling raw and strong at once. When I open to this, there is a strength that is impenetrable. It exists as the foundation of all that is real. Yet, on the surface it appears weak. It goes against our societal programming.

While journeying to the Upper World today, I was guided to a chair. It was one of ten in a circle, a council of sorts. They were all gathered, waiting for me. I started receiving messages from them. They were saying to remember them as I walk the Earth, to remember my place, and my purpose of being. They stressed the importance of focusing on the likeness/Oneness in everyone. They stated that this was the key to my purpose right now. They said that when I focused on being different, I reminded others of suffering and there is no time for that.

Then, they passed a golden cord around, until everyone had a piece on their lap. Simultaneously, we raised the golden rope above our heads and it turned to liquid gold and formed a sphere around us. As it enclosed us, we shifted from ten bodies into one. I realized we were not the only ones in the sphere as it shrunk to the size of my hand. Next thing I know, they were handing me a box with the sphere inside, to bring back with me. It was part of me and an essential reminder. It would keep me from losing myself in the density.

I asked if I could go to the hall of records, and immediately stood at the entrance. I walked over to the book with my name on it. It opened to a page but I couldn’t read it. I put my right hand on one page and the words became a small flame. Opening the palms of both my hands, I watched the flames licking the air. They were extensions of my hands and my body was absorbing the knowledge they offered. They disappeared and I closed my hands.

Next, I asked if I could go to the book of all records. I was taken to it, but could not open it. I was told that I was not ready. I understood. As I returned from my journey, I realized there is nothing to do.

 

Day 23 with a Shaman

Last night I had a fire ceremony to release judgments toward myself and others. I opened sacred space and set my intention to deeply connect with Great Spirit. The fire blazed when I tuned in to fire spirits and not until. It seemed as though they were waiting for me to fully embrace their gift of fire. It inspired awe when I sank beneath the surface of my habitual thoughts. It became more than just a fire; it became a sacred realm full of possibilities.

The air became charged with indescribable electricity. The wind was more than happy to join in and the fire swirled with passion ignited from the origins of my soul. I wrote my judgments out on paper and put them in the fire. The fire was not quick to consume them. I had to come to a place inside to really be ready to let go, and I felt the spirits inviting me. I breathed deeply and finally declared my willingness; the fire accepted my offering and turned it to black smoke.

I closed the circle with the hopes that I would not be tormented by any torturous thoughts, at least for the remainder of the evening. Unfortunately, this was not the case.

I was tested immediately and in the most uncomfortable way. My partner voiced his strong opinion about a few imperfections on my body, claiming that they bothered him. He went on the say; he would help me take care of fixing them. I could have seen it as a test, but I reacted instead. I felt hurt, betrayed and devastated. I cried for quite a while…then heard a soft voice suggesting I ask for help. I decided to listen. I have been working the Eagle/ Condor for a wider perspective, so I called for help. I began letting my awareness go into the Eagle. It created a space between my emotions and the stillness inside.

I then got the message to ask the Owl for guidance in healing these perceived flaws. I asked and listened intently as I heard the name of two herbs. I breathed a deep sigh, relaxed and fell asleep.

Day 21 with a Shaman

Photo by: tomaraya1981.deviantart.com

Weakened with overwhelming love pouring into me, I sit silently on the verge of tears and laughter. I am aware of the essence of what we are. As a collective, we are blossoming into that indescribable perfection we grasp in peak experiences.

I look at all the drug and alcohol addictions running rampant through our society. I now see that we are all seeking the same union. That fleeting moment of invincibility after a few glasses of wine that gives you perfect connection with Source…so it seems. You drop your limitations and feel normal for a second. That euphoric bliss that consumes you after taking a toke on the pipe leaves you feeling omnipotent. Rather than seek what we’ve tapped into, we make the substance the savior and give up our freedom, convinced we are finding what we have yearned for.

I admit I have been under the grip of addiction the majority of my life. It has taken different forms but the illusive robber has been ever present. After being told to just ‘go inside’, I remember cringing at the absurd dissatisfaction of the thought. I’d silently rebel, until I’d had enough pain. Then, I’d let go.

The heart is always moving toward greater fulfillment and union. We just get distracted with detours and yet we can always come back to the road to freedom. The ego mind is so clever with seduction, making destruction seem irresistible. It gives us a unique identity, and with that a feeling of false power.  It convinces us we could finally have a sense of belonging.

The more I go inside first, the need for things falls away gently. It leaves me with a feeling of wholeness. The intense yearning softens and the angst subsides. With this knowing, I have to wonder why is it so hard to make the choice to sink inside first, resting in the vastness of God? Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven, meditate, be aware, pray, receive…