Day 39 with a Shaman

My Shaman Teacher asked me today if I had purchased my ticket for Peru. There is an advanced initiation training there in November and I feel like I am meant to be there. At this point, I don’t see how. It is expensive and I don’t make a lot. I have put it in a Sand Painting and am asking spirits for assistance. I am also fundraising so that other people can donate as well.  I am holding a strong intention and expecting mountains to move to get me there.

I told her I was trying to get the money together. She talked to me about taking steps toward it and asked what other reasons might be holding me back. She spoke as if money were not a real obstacle. Her silence after the questions required me to be ruthless in my internal inquiry. I did a quick scan and could see a fear of the unknown.

I could feel myself sitting in limbo. I had to get real. Wasn’t the real fear that I’d transform and get what I say I want? Wasn’t I really terrified of stepping into power and not being able to pretend smallness anymore? Wouldn’t I be letting go of being a student and taking full accountability for what I’ve learned? Not to say that I’d be a Teacher but I wouldn’t be able to claim that “I didn’t know.”

Peru is not the first place I’d pick to travel. I’ve had friends that have gone there and I never felt the desire. However, since starting Shaman training with my Mentor and teacher, I have felt a faint tugging. It is evident when I am talking to her about the land, mountains and people there. There is a collective consciousness that is already a higher vibration. It lends an ease to this practice and while I wouldn’t go there otherwise, I feel I must.

During my journey to the underworld, I asked if there were any contracts that were no longer valid. The contract to keep me limited came to me and I put it in the fire. I watched it burn and knew that money was only an energetic part of this contract. It would free all energy related to this limitation and I felt ready. A new contract came to me.  It was the contract to embody a new level of Love, one that I’ve never known before. I welcomed this new energy, and invited it into every cell of my body.

A black horse and magic vase came back with me as allies. The black horse reminded me of the warrior inside; fierce, bold, courageous, graceful and receptive. The vase held unlimited potential in its purest form.  Nothing can be tainted in the presence of this potential and it is bigger than fear.


Day15 with a Shaman


I was making tea this morning, when I heard a beautiful little song bird. It was crystal clear with perfect pitch and had a mesmerizing echo quality. It captivated my attention so I walked over to check it out. There was a mirror outside my doorway and the bird was looking at its own reflection. At first, it admired itself from different angles. Then, it tried desperately to get closer to the bird in the mirror. After a while, it began to get agitated with the distance it had to suffer. It would fly away to a nearby branch briefly catching its breath but would have to return, driven by obsession. Finally, it turned to protesting loudly and trying to  disassemble the mirror. It continued this cycle for hours, as I reflected on my own life.

How many times had I been this little bird, admiring the outside reflection and losing myself.  When I met someone new, I would become enamored with their  subtle nuances, as they reminded me of myself. Their presence would bring out all the qualities I loved and it was impossible to become satiated.  I would devote my time looking at them from every angle, until finally becoming exhausted with my own obsession completely. I’d romanticize about how I’d never feel lonely again…

Then, I’d see a flaw that reminded me of my imperfection. I’d need a little time away but just enough to miss them. I’d return before too long. Then, they would say something that really annoyed me and I’d get the urge to hurt or destroy them. Slowly but surely they would show me too much that hurt me. I’d destroy the love and admiration that sustained my life only a short time before.  Then, I’d repeat the whole cycle.  Only years later did I discover that it was all a reflection of me.  I only had to focus inside and the reflection would suddenly become perfection. This realization took all the fun out of blaming others but it’s still nice to admire the reflection with compassion.

Day 14 with a Shaman

As a child, I started speaking in complete sentences, beautifully voicing my independence. Most sentences, started  and ended with, “no, I can do it myself”!  Then, my mother taught me the value of being a good little girl, polite in all the right ways. Being from Texas, politeness was the first garment you put on in the morning. Polite with a little stubbornness is the Texas way. I didn’t realize I was losing my soul by being politically correct. I just became accustomed to giving others what I thought they wanted, with a smile. I made money doing this for years in restaurants. Later, I did the same in sales. I was actually rewarded for it over and over again. I never really understood the emptiness inside. I just lived with it and kept smiling.

It’s no wonder that I end my days feeling exhausted. Holding on to all of this old programming has become cumbersome.  As the old contracts gradually come to the surface, I learn to let go even more. This week was about letting go and speaking my truth. I got to see that just going with the flow is often a compromise for me. It’s more polite than honest. Distinguishing the two has been extremely challenging.

I opened sacred space and held a fire ceremony on the Full Moon. It was powerful.  My belief, that life has to be hard, was burned in the fire. I had started letting go last week, while doing a journey to the Underworld. It has taken conserted effort to release. I’m very glad to have such powerful allies.

I’m working with some pretty big intentions in my sand painting. Life is fun, I’m excited about my life, and I’m completely prosperous only working two days a week. Boy, that one is a huge one! How can I only work two days and be prosperous? Even though, I’ve gone months at a time with no job and never wanted for anything. Then, I work four jobs, finding I’m always scrounging to just pay the bills. Is this not proof enough? Still, I sit, paralyzed with fear to close my back door. The one that tells me life has to be hard and a struggle. I don’t care to live a life that is hard and a constant struggle. Yet, I am still trying to play the rules according to that false belief. It gives me a purely false security and doesn’t meet my basic needs. It’s like staying with an abusive husband because I’ve been here so long.

The old ways of our culture don’t work anymore and it will take courage from a many of us to walk a new path.

I am holding the intention of finding balance, as I walk forward.


Day 5 with a Shaman

Today, I created a Sacred Fire. I brought offerings to spirit in hopes that I would be guided and assisted in letting go of my old story. I brought olive oil, incense and a stick representing my story. I opened sacred space inviting Great Spirit, the directions, and all allies in spirit form. I honored them and lit the fire, but it was stubborn. I fed it small sticks, paper, and everything I could find. Still, it smoked. My eyes burned and tears streamed down my face, as I tried my best to please the fire spirits. I wondered if they were rejecting me and the ceremony. Once again, I felt lacking and not enough.

Suddenly I heard, “too many mind”, as a stinging nettle jumped out to get my attention. I became acutely aware of my mind chatter. I was trying to build a fire from all my experiences from the past and it wasn’t working. All the camping trips, all the fire gathering was not what I needed to build this fire.

I stopped and listened inside… the voice began telling me the exact sticks the fire wanted and I quickly began gathering the summoned wood. The fire grew strong and the smoke pointed away from me as I moved around it. A dance began between the fire and my spirit. I let go, accepting the invitation to flow with the aliveness of creation. I fed the fire three times, with olive oil, incense, and my story.

The fire was threatening to go out as I blew my story into the stick and tossed it in. The minute my stick hit the top of the bundle, the fire blazed. It was anxious to distinguish my old limiting beliefs as much as I was. It was awe-inspiring. I sat in amazement of the fire and its glory.

About that time, I looked up to see an eagle majestically circling above in its full authority. Then, I looked to my right to see an orange breasted hummingbird lingering at eye level about two feet away. It stopped as if to give an approving nod and quickly flew away.

Time stopped. The voice of Spirit became crystal clear and I basked in the inevitability of the One.