Day 38 with a Shaman- Sinking in the Crystal Blue


Photo by: Olympic getaways

I decide to go out to Crescent Lake to bathe and bask. I will invite the healing of the water, and strengthen the cords with the Olympics. I had previously performed a Despacho in the Olympics so it would be good to reconnect and see what comes.

I take one step and feel the cold rock digging into center of my foot, reminding me now would be a great time to stay aware. I continue walking over jagged rocks, as the water glides over the tops of my toes. It is cold and sends my body into a heightened state at once. I look toward the West and see mountains clothed in vivid green, contrasting the blue and silver sky.

The sun promises to reveal its golden warmth but disappears into the blanket of grey, sitting lightly on the mountain top. The smell of salt and wood chips fills me with fondness.  I shiver as I walk forward, turquoise water rising and wrapping around me like a kimono. It’s cold but not too cold to continue walking. As I start to float off of the rocks under my feet, I feel as though I’m surrounded by loved ones. I can feel the presence of spirits. I honor them and start to converse as I would with my sister or friend. I ask for the healing of the lake water to wash over me, releasing guilt and making more room for light. I hear the loving response in the wind, as the sun beams down on my face. Ducks fly over my head and I can feel a letting go.

Can I forgive myself? I wait. Do I trust God/Creator right now? Can I feel worthy to receive? I wait. Calm settles over me and I hear the hushed whisper of the mountains and the acceptance of the lake. Is it possible to be connected to all of this beauty and still doubt?


Day 37 with a Shaman

Photo by: Marcela Bolivar

What’s wrong with me? This is the question I’ve asked myself the most this past week. It seems I have ideals of how everything should go. It’s no surprise, I am surrounded with people that like to be in control, pushing my buttons constantly. In the session with my Shaman Teacher, I become aware of deep seated shame. Then, I realize it is the Anniversary of my grandfather’s death and while I remember, she hones in on the guilt. Admittedly, I tell her I still feel guilty of not being there months before he died.

He was like a father to me, when my dad would disappear or forget me at school again. He taught me how to ride a bike, waterski, shoot a 22, float on my back in the pool, and many other useful things. He would drive me two hours to gymnastics, providing delicious snacks and wait patiently for me to finish. He was kind and thoughtful but always forthcoming in his wisdom.

As my teacher asks me to track the guilt, I can see that even in my grief, I feel unworthy. I feel like I don’t have a right to feel sad because I wasn’t there for him for months when he needed me.  Then I realize that I feel unworthy of calling on God/Creator and spirits. I haven’t been perfect.

Do I actually believe this? My teacher assures me that this is a very core belief and that while a big part of me doesn’t buy it, it is still limiting me. It has been passed down from Ancestors and has been held in place for a long time.

It is time to put it in my Sand Painting, to release all the ways guilt has kept me cycling in doubt. I ask the guides for help.  She also told me to write down all the beliefs I have about God/Creator, Guilt, and Love etc. then write yes or no next to each, indicating if I believe this. God is Love, Love is Kind, God will take care of it, I am worthy of God’s love, I am worthy of good, I am enough.  Yeah right. Is that why when I took vows to God, I lost everything? That is a whole other story…

I am surprised to find this lack of trust for the Divine, especially when I have been seeking union with Creator the majority of my life.

Day 36 with a Shaman

 Photo from:


Raven is the bringer of Change. It cannot stand to see the world stagnate. When a change must occur, Raven flies swiftly in to evoke it! Although many consider raven a trickster, he is nowhere near the league of Coyote. Raven is the bringer of new things, new places, and new ideas. Raven teaches what is needed at the perfect time. When the world has become complacent, and is ready to move on, it is Raven who swoops in from his journeys to show the world something new, something exciting, something different. He explores, he challenges, and he is the bringer of transformation!

Freya is a shaman Goddess who is able to travel in the different realms by using her magical cloak to shape shift into a bird. She also has the power to transform other people into animals. Freya often had a cloak of feathers that enabled her to fly in the form of a raven. As a fertility Goddess she is linked to the full moon.

When I began working with a Shaman as a healer, I had a dream one night that didn’t feel like a dream at all. I was dreaming that I was sleeping and woke within the dream to a scratching noise. I looked to the left of my bed where the window was. In waking state, it was covered but in this dream it was clear. I saw a huge black face with dark piercing eyes. It was a Raven and it was trying to get in. It wanted to be closer to me. Its stare burned into the deepest parts of me. It knew everything about me and I squirmed at the thought. I wanted to look away but couldn’t.

Then, its eyes changed into human eyes. It was part Raven, part man and it was coming for me. It began opening the window with huge talons, calmly, patiently, and fiercely. Even if it took a life time, he would tenaciously keep coming.  I knew he/it wasn’t going to stop. What I didn’t know was if it was dangerous or just intense. Remembering Edgar Allen Poe, I wanted to run. Did it want to kill me, harm me, or join me? Perhaps it wanted to give me a message? Regardless of the Raven’s intent, I was petrified by its sheer power.

I couldn’t take it. I tried to run, but my limbs were frozen. I tried to cry, but my voice was muffled. I willed myself to awaken from the dream inside my dream. I woke up screaming, fighting, whimpering, and trembling. I was terrified. My partner wrapped his arms around me, rocked me and assured me I was safe. Although I felt protected, I could still feel the presence of the Raven that crossed over into my world forever.

This morning as I was leaving my house, I heard a sound, like someone saying, “Hey over here, pay attention!” It was not quite a human voice but conveyed intelligence beyond any animal. I’ve heard that the voice of a being carries its essence. This essence was familiar and haunting…a ghost from a dream.  I looked up to see two Ravens in the tree above me. They were looking at me, but nonchalantly talking amongst themselves. I watched in awe, feeling honored and blessed. It seemed like they bestowed me with great fortune by just existing within close proximity. I sensed the intimate connection with them, the filament of light reaching from my heart to them and remembered why I am here. Thank you ,Raven.

Day 35 with a Shaman

Facing the demons

Energy has been tumultuous lately. One minute I’m joyful, then the next crying. It has nothing to do with what is happening in the story of life, I noticed as I began wailing when I realized I’d lost three pounds.  It should have been a celebratory moment and I found myself bawling like a baby. Anger has come in long waves. I made a decision in the midst of anger to face the dark side, while daring it to, “bring it on”! It was the only thing left to do. I was done. I began reading everything racy I could get my hands on, diving more deeply into the rage, deciding to face it without any numbing substances. If I was going to dance with the demons, I wanted to know them well.

However, being extremely empathic, I sensed that absorbing the mindset of the enigmatic allure of the underground scene would be enough. I needed to grasp the compelling nature of it and see the web of magic it could spin. It was full of twisted demons leaving lost souls and perversion in its wake. I ran full speed into every dark patch I could sense inside my body, mind, and energy field. I disappeared into the stories of junkies, prostitutes, shameful homosexuals, rapists, serial killers, and my own creator of sabotage. Looking around, grasping it completely.

Five days later, the end result is…absolute boredom. This two dimensional world no longer has any appeal.  It is empty and flavorless.  Even while experiencing heartbreak and pain, it has no power. Once the heart has expanded, there is more beauty to crave. It is infinitely promising, while the darkness becomes ever more finite. The darkness is only tempting, when we are running from it, running from ourselves, and lending it more power than it actually possesses. When we embrace it, there is more light and darkness ceases to exist. The lie is limited. Truth is Eternal.


Part 2

After further reflection, I think I’ve only begun to glimpse the dark side. There is a whole lower realm that is beyond this world, or parallel to it. It is beckoning to me, since I wrote this last post. Perhaps, I only explored the dark side of our everyday realm.  Something beyond that is passionately inviting me to dive deeper…


A Goddess


Autumn's Life

I found this on Facebook and had to share:

A goddess is a woman who emerges from deep within herself. She is a woman who has honestly explored her darkness and learned to celebrate her light. She is a woman who is able to fall in love with the magnificent possibilities within her. She is a woman who knows of the magic and mysterious places inside her, the sacred places that can nurture her soul and make her whole. She is a woman who radiates light. She is magnetic. She walks into a room and male and female alike feel her presence. She has power and softness at the same time. She has powerful sexual energy that’s not dependent on physical looks. She has a body that she adores and it shows by the way she comfortably lives and moves in it. She cherishes beauty, light and love. She is…

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