Photo by: Marcela Bolivar
What’s wrong with me? This is the question I’ve asked myself the most this past week. It seems I have ideals of how everything should go. It’s no surprise, I am surrounded with people that like to be in control, pushing my buttons constantly. In the session with my Shaman Teacher, I become aware of deep seated shame. Then, I realize it is the Anniversary of my grandfather’s death and while I remember, she hones in on the guilt. Admittedly, I tell her I still feel guilty of not being there months before he died.
He was like a father to me, when my dad would disappear or forget me at school again. He taught me how to ride a bike, waterski, shoot a 22, float on my back in the pool, and many other useful things. He would drive me two hours to gymnastics, providing delicious snacks and wait patiently for me to finish. He was kind and thoughtful but always forthcoming in his wisdom.
As my teacher asks me to track the guilt, I can see that even in my grief, I feel unworthy. I feel like I don’t have a right to feel sad because I wasn’t there for him for months when he needed me. Then I realize that I feel unworthy of calling on God/Creator and spirits. I haven’t been perfect.
Do I actually believe this? My teacher assures me that this is a very core belief and that while a big part of me doesn’t buy it, it is still limiting me. It has been passed down from Ancestors and has been held in place for a long time.
It is time to put it in my Sand Painting, to release all the ways guilt has kept me cycling in doubt. I ask the guides for help. She also told me to write down all the beliefs I have about God/Creator, Guilt, and Love etc. then write yes or no next to each, indicating if I believe this. God is Love, Love is Kind, God will take care of it, I am worthy of God’s love, I am worthy of good, I am enough. Yeah right. Is that why when I took vows to God, I lost everything? That is a whole other story…
I am surprised to find this lack of trust for the Divine, especially when I have been seeking union with Creator the majority of my life.
notesofashamanstudent 
It moves me to read this honesty. Thank you for your beauty. Myself, I notice that when this old old collective stuff arises, it feels like they have in some strange way kept me “safe”. Or so “they” seem. I also sense the freedom from realizing that this is not really about a “me” – it’s just feelings, beliefs, that I have attached to.
I love you, Misha
Thank you dear Leelah. You are so filled with compassion and light. I feel supported by the Divine in you. You are right about being attached to the feelings and beliefs. It is such a relief to hear this and be able to distance. It is easy to get overwhelmed and forget. Blessings to you!
Love, Misha
First, thanks for your like on Shift Key today. Permit me to say that the opposite is true. Jesus came as the perfect one, when we were yet imperfect. God’s “Grace” means that we don’t have to be perfect in order to come to God; but because of unmerited favor and His finished work, we can come to Him in our imperfection and receive His love – for free. I know from my experience, that even though I have experienced shame, God will never shame me… or you. We can’t be worthy enough; it is not within our power to do so. Jesus became our righteousness on the Cross. By His act I am righteous in God’s eyes. There was/is nothing I can do to earn it; I can only believe and receive it.