Day 32 with a Shaman

Photo from: Marcela Bolivar

At the age of four something happened that changed my perception of love permanently. I lost the ability to breath in my sleep. I remember gasping for air but couldn’t get any. My mother scooped me up and put me in the car. We drove to another building with a lot of people that took me away. Next thing I remember I was closed in a tent…separated from my family.

I wanted to get to my mom but couldn’t. She was on the other side. She would put her hand through this little window but still couldn’t touch me…only through plastic. I was fully enclosed…locked in quarantine. I remember thinking that I must have done something wrong. Strange people would open the tent just to hurt me with needles. Then, they would close it again. I was scared and alone. They would take my mom out of the room and I couldn’t even see her. It was very confusing.

This was the first time I remember feeling abandonment. From that moment on, there was a little voice inside that said,” this place is not safe and people I love will leave.”

All of the pain came back like it was happening in the present. I asked Spirit to help me with detachment…I let my awareness go into the spirit of Jaguar. I asked for the strength to walk into death and beyond. As my awareness walked with Jaguar, the emotions inside my body were less personal. I could feel them without being swallowed by them. Then, I had a realization…something I had not seen before.

Detachment and Acceptance seem to be a symbiotic relationship. You cannot truly have one without the other.  I was reaching for detachment, while pushing away acceptance. What I was left with was more aversion mixed with manipulation.  Letting go of control in every way leads to acceptance and absolute detachment. It leads one into an open armed way of loving. This is the love that inspires greatness and touches the heart of all humans. It is invincible and largely sought. It is the cause of real change on planet.

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7 thoughts on “Day 32 with a Shaman

  1. Kandis says:

    That was truly beautiful and so touched my heart. I think it was something I needed to hear to day, thank you.

  2. leelotchka44 says:

    I love the synchronicity of the themes in our blogging. I shared a similar process today – and see it mirrored here in your unique way of sharing it.
    I also see Ido’s happy face among your “likes” – I am currently following his “2baware” workshop on the web. I can recommend it warmly!

  3. Perianne says:

    This is a heart opening post. The perspective of the child enclosed in a plastic tent is wrenching. I love your insight about detachment and acceptance. ‘This is the love that inspires greatness and touches the heart of all humans.’ It has mine 🙂

    I have been living with the dream of your last post. It is so graphic and clear. I have enjoyed it. Reading this post about not being able to breathe triggers one of my musings. I often think about fish breathing underwater and wonder if they are conscious of the water or if they perceive it like we perceive air. They may experience a sense of flying rather than swimming. 😮 Whales don’t breath under water but come to the surface. Your dream whale has gone further totally emerging from the ocean bringing to consciousness your past experience, and to all of us your wondrous insight about how to really love.

  4. Erik Christian says:

    Reblogged this on erikchristian and commented:
    Good stuff.

  5. I think we all experience the “everyone I love is going to leave me” feeling during childhood.

    Michael Meade– a modern day mythology– believes this deep-seated place of hurt/abandonment is where the ego is born, in order to protect us from being hurt.

    He currently blogs on the Huffington Post.

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