As a child, I started speaking in complete sentences, beautifully voicing my independence. Most sentences, started and ended with, “no, I can do it myself”! Then, my mother taught me the value of being a good little girl, polite in all the right ways. Being from Texas, politeness was the first garment you put on in the morning. Polite with a little stubbornness is the Texas way. I didn’t realize I was losing my soul by being politically correct. I just became accustomed to giving others what I thought they wanted, with a smile. I made money doing this for years in restaurants. Later, I did the same in sales. I was actually rewarded for it over and over again. I never really understood the emptiness inside. I just lived with it and kept smiling.
It’s no wonder that I end my days feeling exhausted. Holding on to all of this old programming has become cumbersome. As the old contracts gradually come to the surface, I learn to let go even more. This week was about letting go and speaking my truth. I got to see that just going with the flow is often a compromise for me. It’s more polite than honest. Distinguishing the two has been extremely challenging.
I opened sacred space and held a fire ceremony on the Full Moon. It was powerful. My belief, that life has to be hard, was burned in the fire. I had started letting go last week, while doing a journey to the Underworld. It has taken conserted effort to release. I’m very glad to have such powerful allies.
I’m working with some pretty big intentions in my sand painting. Life is fun, I’m excited about my life, and I’m completely prosperous only working two days a week. Boy, that one is a huge one! How can I only work two days and be prosperous? Even though, I’ve gone months at a time with no job and never wanted for anything. Then, I work four jobs, finding I’m always scrounging to just pay the bills. Is this not proof enough? Still, I sit, paralyzed with fear to close my back door. The one that tells me life has to be hard and a struggle. I don’t care to live a life that is hard and a constant struggle. Yet, I am still trying to play the rules according to that false belief. It gives me a purely false security and doesn’t meet my basic needs. It’s like staying with an abusive husband because I’ve been here so long.
The old ways of our culture don’t work anymore and it will take courage from a many of us to walk a new path.
I am holding the intention of finding balance, as I walk forward.