Day 14 with a Shaman

As a child, I started speaking in complete sentences, beautifully voicing my independence. Most sentences, started  and ended with, “no, I can do it myself”!  Then, my mother taught me the value of being a good little girl, polite in all the right ways. Being from Texas, politeness was the first garment you put on in the morning. Polite with a little stubbornness is the Texas way. I didn’t realize I was losing my soul by being politically correct. I just became accustomed to giving others what I thought they wanted, with a smile. I made money doing this for years in restaurants. Later, I did the same in sales. I was actually rewarded for it over and over again. I never really understood the emptiness inside. I just lived with it and kept smiling.

It’s no wonder that I end my days feeling exhausted. Holding on to all of this old programming has become cumbersome.  As the old contracts gradually come to the surface, I learn to let go even more. This week was about letting go and speaking my truth. I got to see that just going with the flow is often a compromise for me. It’s more polite than honest. Distinguishing the two has been extremely challenging.

I opened sacred space and held a fire ceremony on the Full Moon. It was powerful.  My belief, that life has to be hard, was burned in the fire. I had started letting go last week, while doing a journey to the Underworld. It has taken conserted effort to release. I’m very glad to have such powerful allies.

I’m working with some pretty big intentions in my sand painting. Life is fun, I’m excited about my life, and I’m completely prosperous only working two days a week. Boy, that one is a huge one! How can I only work two days and be prosperous? Even though, I’ve gone months at a time with no job and never wanted for anything. Then, I work four jobs, finding I’m always scrounging to just pay the bills. Is this not proof enough? Still, I sit, paralyzed with fear to close my back door. The one that tells me life has to be hard and a struggle. I don’t care to live a life that is hard and a constant struggle. Yet, I am still trying to play the rules according to that false belief. It gives me a purely false security and doesn’t meet my basic needs. It’s like staying with an abusive husband because I’ve been here so long.

The old ways of our culture don’t work anymore and it will take courage from a many of us to walk a new path.

I am holding the intention of finding balance, as I walk forward.

 

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5 thoughts on “Day 14 with a Shaman

  1. kzackuslheureux says:

    Life is cycles of ups and downs, I believe.

    • I am nominating you for a Sunshine Award. Kindly check out my own post, ‘Sunshine award’,for more details. You can also take the image from my blog by clicking on it and downloading it.
      I look forward to reading more of your experiences.

      • kzackuslheureux says:

        You’re a Sweetheart! I’m not big on the awards, but a little before I met you, yes indeed, I claimed a big red flower for myself! I like to spread the word on good blogs out there too. Best to you and your lovely writing, have a day full of sunshine and a week full of pretty flowers! 😉

  2. Katrina says:

    Your childhood was a lot like mine, my sentence was usually “I’d rather do it myself.” Both my parents taught me this was ‘not lady like.’ And like you, I hung on to it for years.

  3. Perianne says:

    Montessori is a form of early education based on the premise,’I can do it for myself.’ Instead of restricting children to safe environments with ineffective role playing tools they are given real knives to cut with and glasses to drink out of as soon as they are able to drink. Her philosophy is that everything that is done for us is disempowering and limiting our freedom.

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